Saturday, August 8, 2009

Here I am

20 years old wondering how my life could have turned out.

I was adopted right after I was born. I’ve known this forever and I’ve never really given that much thought to it. I never had the desire to meet my biological parents. Never had the desire to find out my heritage or where I get my quirks. But this changed about a year ago. My dad called me one Saturday saying that my biological father’s parents tracked us down and they wanted to talk to me, to meet me. I’ve known, as long as I’ve know I was adopted, that my biological father had died, so I never thought of that side.. EVER. But here they are in my life 20 years later. After Billy died my bio-mother sent them letters and told them about her being pregnant and giving me up. Well I have all these letters, and I’ve read them. I cried for a good 2 hours after reading them. I’m not really sure why, maybe because I never really understood the situation and it gave me some perspective or maybe cause I’ve spent my whole life not thinking about it and its finally catching up. I laid in bed last night for a good hour, hour and a half, playing the “what if” game. “what if he would have made it to Cali and back?” “what if he wouldn’t have died, where would I be?” what if, what if, what if.. I hate that game and I’ve tried to avoid it since that day in the bathroom where my biological cousins cornered a three year old me and told me my mommy stole me. I’m not saying I wish things turned out different cause I don’t. My dad is the best man I will ever meet and i wouldn’t change having him for ANYTHING. But it is starting to make me curious. I just wonder why its taken this long when I’ve known since i was 3 or 4..

I feel like I’m just rambling off everything in my head and that although this all goes with the “adoption theme” it doesn’t really make sense