Here I am

20 years old wondering how my life could have turned out.

I was adopted right after I was born. I’ve known this forever and I’ve never really given that much thought to it. I never had the desire to meet my biological parents. Never had the desire to find out my heritage or where I get my quirks. But this changed about a year ago. My dad called me one Saturday saying that my biological father’s parents tracked us down and they wanted to talk to me, to meet me. I’ve known, as long as I’ve know I was adopted, that my biological father had died, so I never thought of that side.. EVER. But here they are in my life 20 years later. After Billy died my bio-mother sent them letters and told them about her being pregnant and giving me up. Well I have all these letters, and I’ve read them. I cried for a good 2 hours after reading them. I’m not really sure why, maybe because I never really understood the situation and it gave me some perspective or maybe cause I’ve spent my whole life not thinking about it and its finally catching up. I laid in bed last night for a good hour, hour and a half, playing the “what if” game. “what if he would have made it to Cali and back?” “what if he wouldn’t have died, where would I be?” what if, what if, what if.. I hate that game and I’ve tried to avoid it since that day in the bathroom where my biological cousins cornered a three year old me and told me my mommy stole me. I’m not saying I wish things turned out different cause I don’t. My dad is the best man I will ever meet and i wouldn’t change having him for ANYTHING. But it is starting to make me curious. I just wonder why its taken this long when I’ve known since i was 3 or 4..

I feel like I’m just rambling off everything in my head and that although this all goes with the “adoption theme” it doesn’t really make sense

Its been a while..

I don’t know why I never write here. Back in the xanga days i “journaled” everday. Now that myspace came into the picture (and facebook) I quit going there. But myspace and facebook are networking sites, not blogs, so I visited xanga a while back to see if i still had my account, I do, and its changed so much i wouldn’t even know how to use it if I tried.  I even downloaded Windows Live Writer so I could update here easier.. but OBVIOUSLY it didn’t help cause here i am updating 4 months after my last post..

Saturday, April 18, 2009

 My friend Kathy, whom I’ve known since we were 3, invited me to her parents re-wedding. They’ve been married 20 years, which is as long as I’ve been alive.

It was fun going to the re-wedding. Angie and Calvin were more of a second family and I spent all my free time at their house next door, up until I was 7.

They wedding ceremony was okay, Alex wouldn’t sit still and be quiet. (which made Stephen realize we will NEVER become Catholic) Angie looked absolutely gorgeous! As for Calvin.. well I’ll get there.  The reception was great too. Good food, drunk people, dancing, and smoke breaks. What more can you ask for?

Here is my story of knowing Angie and Calvin

When I was 2 years old, my parents moved into my uncles rent house in Tulsa. This house happened to be next door to a young couple with a girl 6 months younger than me. Enter Kathy.

We grew up together, we spent every waking moment together when we weren’t in school. (which i never understood why we didn’t go to the SAME school considering we were in the same grade and lived next door) anyways, I never liked her dad, Calvin. No reason at all, I just didn’t. My mom and Angie both say that i could hear his truck coming a mile away and would run inside and hide when he was coming home from work. I only have a couple memories of being scared of him but both times he was getting ready to mow.

Still to this day I don’t really like him. He weirds me out. He has this way of “looking” at me that is creepy. It’s like one of those nasty, drunk, Mexican men you run into at the fair. My son doesn’t like him either so now I’m not the only one..

Back to the story.  When I was 7 years old, and i still remember EXACTLY what I was doing when I was told, my parents said they were getting a divorce. And while my dad stayed in the house, me and my mom moved to the other side of Tulsa. Not long after that Kathy’s family moved to Bristow, Ok with my aunt and uncle (the same people that we were renting from) and have been there ever since (minus my aunt and uncle). She has lived in Bristow since she was 8 while i moved around about 5 more times. All the while growing farther and farther apart from her. I was jealous of her. I wanted to be her with her family that’s still together. I hated that she moved on so easily while it tore me up and i still do. I want to be her best friend again. I want to see her and talk to her more than twice a month. I want to be more to her than a number in her phone. Or someone she texts randomly when she’s bored. It cant go back to when we were 4 singing Billy Ray in my driveway but I wish it could. Not even because everything was easy and fun, but because I’d have my best friend back. I’ve always considered her my “best friend”, even when we weren’t in close contact. I’ll always see her as that while I’m just her “friend Tiffany”

 

Ok, I’ve done enough crying in this post. It was supposed to be a joyous post about Angie and Calvin’s wedding.

Congratulations Angie and Calvin,

I love you and WISH you 20 more years.